Frail
by Mystic83
Summary: Through early morning fog, I see visions of the things to be, the pains that are withheld for me. I realize and I can see that suicide is painless.
1. Chapter 1

_Her hands were stained red with blood. They were shaking. She was shaking._

_The limp body of her husband was cradled in her arms. Explosions and gunshots surrounded her cries and muffled any sort of relief she might receive. _

_The rest of the resistance passed her by. They knew there was nothing they could do to ease her pain._

Kara splashed water on her face and stared at her reflection in the mirror. There were large, dark circles under her eyes, and her face looked almost haggard. Her hands came up to rub the worry lines on her face.

"Captain."

Kara's gaze shifted in the mirror to see the Chief staring at her. "What do you need?"

"You're supposed to be talking with Kat about finding a new source of ammo for us to use."

"Frak." Kara said, standing up straight. She grabbed a towel off the counter and, after wiping her face, flung it away. "How late am I?"

"About an hour."

"Is she really pissy?"

Tyrol's eyebrows went up. "It's Kat."

"Frak," Kara hissed.

Tyrol shifted to block Kara's access to the hatch. "If you're… not up to this, I can talk with Kat."

Kara's face went from tired to pissed off within seconds. "What are you implying, Galen?"

"You look tired. You have ever since the day An-"

Kara's fist whipped out to connect with Tyrol's gut, causing him to double over. She leaned down to whisper in his ear. "You know better than to talk about that, Chief."

"Sorry," Tyrol mumbled, taking a few steps to the side.

"No problem." Kara gave Tyrol's shoulder a light pat as she walked by. She knew the Chief would forgive her once the pain in his belly died down. They had spoken about this before. She did not want to talk about that day.

The corridors started to blur as she navigated her way down to the planning room where Kat was mostly likely to be. She passed a few pilots as she went along, but everyone had learned rather quickly that Starbuck did not want to stop and chat.

Her fraking head was pounding.

"_Kara."_

_Kara paused to look at the man who had been steadily trailing her this whole time. "What the frak do you want now?"_

"_I just wanted to make sure you and I are clear."_

_Kara rolled her eyes. Sometimes Sam really drove her crazy. "We're fraking clear. Everyone's starving. They need food. We're getting food."_

"_It's not that simple."_

"_It's not that complex."_

_She could tell he was going to continue arguing with her the whole way into New Caprica City, but suddenly the air erupted in explosions. It didn't take much to realize what was happening._

_The Cylons had found their base._

"_Get down!"_

_Kara felt herself being pushed into the dirt and fought the urge to elbow her husband until he got off of her. She did not need his protection. She was the leader here, not him. _

_In the back of her head, there was a voice screaming at her to do it. Something was telling her she needed to push Anders off her body now before it's too late. The explosions rang out all around her, drowning out that little voice._

"_We need to get back to the base."_

Stay here. You need to stay here. Don't move.

_Kara gave him a nod, and accepting his hand, let him pull her up. Together they jogged through the woods. She knew that a few of the Cylons' gunshots were coming close, but there wasn't time to shoot back. They needed to get back to the base. She was the leader. Her people needed her to lead._

"You should have stayed down."

Kara twisted to see Kat making her way towards her. She looked around and realized she was standing in the middle of traffic in the corridor. She couldn't remember stopping. "What did you say to me?"

"I said you should have stayed in bed. I've got the ammo thing covered now, Captain. We're going to plan a raid on the abandoned military tents in New Caprica. It should be risky, but it will pay big."

"I don't want my people dying."

"Your _people_ are dying anyway, Kara. Let them die for a good reason."

Kara narrowed her eyes. It wasn't a secret that Kat hated the fact that Starbuck was one of the people in charge, but the Viper pilot was really pushing it here. Kara wasn't actively allowing the resistance members to die. She wasn't sending them out on missions that had no purpose. "Fine. Take your team and raid the tents. I'll see you in a few days."

Kat's eyes went wide, and Kara wanted to laugh. Little shit hadn't thought she'd have to be a part of her suicide mission. Well, it was high time the girl learned the number one rule of planning missions.

Never plan a mission you wouldn't go on yourself.

"Idiot," Kara muttered.

After Kat had disappeared from sight, Kara let out a long sigh and decided she might as well visit the planning room anyway. It was her responsibility to make sure this mission was planned correctly even if she wasn't the one to come up with it.

The planning room was in chaos like always. Right in the middle was Gaeta. He had given up on President Baltar and his job as presidential aide as soon as the occupation began. It was funny how your true priorities came out in times of crisis. Kara gave him a small nod from her position leaning against the back wall of the room.

"Starbuck."

Kara turned to see Colonel Tigh. He was leaning against the wall not two yards down. She threw a salute out of respect for ranks long since obsolete. "I didn't see you standing there, sir."

"A great leader learns to observe first. Speeches come later," Tigh growled.

Kara gave him a nod. It was funny how the presence of this man she had hated for years had become so reassuring to her. She finally understood why the Old Man always put up with Tigh's crap. When he was sober, he was one of the best fraking leaders Kara had ever seen.

She followed the line of Tigh's gaze and smirked. Cally was shouting at a bunch of the new recruits. The girl had really taken to her job of coordinating the assignments given by all the leaders. Plus, it seemed Cally had picked up a few techniques from Kara on how to deal with the new blood.

_Kara froze as the sound of his voice made her blood run cold._

"_I've fought very hard to find you, Kara."_

_Her grip on the lifeless body of her lover tightened as her eyes rose to meet Leoben's. "You killed my husband," she hissed._

_Leoben gave her that infuriating smile she had spent years trying to forget. "With pleasure," he added._

_An intense pain went through her body. Leoben had enjoyed himself. He had taken away the one thing she loved, and it was making him smile. She could feel the tears begin to fall again. "I… I don't understand." _

"_You got him killed, Kara. You get everyone killed." Leoben crouched on the ground in front of her. "Your precious Commander Adama never stood a chance." With one last smile, the Cylon who had made it his mission to ruin her life left her alone with the tattered pieces._

_Kara forced herself to look down at Lee. He looked so peaceful. That was something she had never seen before. In all the years she had known Lee, he was always on the move, always getting ready to do the next assignment. Kara's hand shook as she rubbed the blood off his face._

_Maybe if she prayed hard enough, she could wake up to find this had all been a dream._

"Captain, are you listening?"

Kara realized Tigh was speaking to her again and snapped to attention. "I'm sorry, sir?"

"I said have you approved of Kat's mission?"

Kara's brow furrowed as she tried to remember what he was talking about. "Um… yes. I mean, no. I mean, I was going to. I just have to look it over first."

Tigh raised an eyebrow at her and shook his head. "Make sure you do that sometime soon."

Kara continued to stare at the hustle all around her long after Tigh had given up on their conversation. She had expected these flashbacks to happen. Seeing the man you loved die in front of you was something no one should have to live through.

She could have sworn it wasn't a memory this last time. When she looked down, it wasn't Anders in her arms. It was Lee. She knew for a fact that hadn't happened. There was no way. Lee hadn't been down on New Caprica. Had he?

Kara pushed off the wall and walked over to Cally. "Cally, was Apollo down on New Caprica during the last attack?"

A look of confusion and concern passed across Cally's face. "What are you talking about, Kara?"

Kara winced and pinched the bridge of her nose as she tried to clear her mind. After a moment, she looked up and gave Cally an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I don't where that question came from."

"Maybe you need some rest, sir."

Kara nodded. "Everyone keeps telling me that. Too bad Kat decided to plan a fraking suicide mission just when I needed a nap."

Cally smiled and reached across the desk to grab a handful of papers. "Here's a copy of the specs. Why don't you take them back to your quarters and have a look?"

Kara took the papers and sighed. "I think that might be a smart idea."

"We'll call you if anything comes up."

"Thanks, Cally." Kara made it to the hatch before the ex-deckhand called out her name.

"Sir, you still needed to file your report about An- the incident," Cally corrected. "Tigh's going to be demanding to see it pretty soon."

"I know," Kara said. She gave Cally one more not-so-reassuring smile and then turned to leave the chaos behind.

The room she was bunking in was eerily quiet as always. It hadn't been that noticeable when Sam was around to the share the space, but now that she was alone…

Kara sighed and threw the reports on the desk. She didn't have to go over them. Kat knew what she was doing. Kara had spent weeks making sure of that back when times were simpler.

Kara threw herself into the chair and slammed her feet onto the desk. Sighing, she shut her eyes and tried to forget about how much her life sucked for a few seconds. She knew she looked tired, but there was no way she was going to fall asleep. She had slept all of two hours in the past three days, and she had to work hard to get both of those hours.

The gods were not smiling down upon her. Not anymore.

_Kara made it to just outside the resistance base she had been calling home for this mission. Most of the tents were in flame, but there was no one insight. No resistance members. No wayward civilians. No Cylons._

"_The toasters were here," she muttered, "but where the frak did they go?"_

_Another explosion rang through the air before Anders could answer, and their bodies were flung to the ground. Kara tasted blood in her mouth, and her ears were now ringing. Familiar hands helped her up and she let herself feel relief for a brief second. Anders was okay._

"_Come on, Kara," Anders hissed. "We need to find the Chief or Tigh."_

"_How do you suggest we do that?"_

"_Everyone appears to have evacuated. My guess is they're moving to the supply outposts in the forest. We can start there."_

Don't go to the outpost. Don't go to the outpost.

_Kara shook her head until the screaming voice inside died down. "Lead the way."_

Kara's feet hit the floor, jarring her awake. Her hands sprang out on instinct to grab the clock off the desk. Only ten minutes had passed. "Frak me. I can't even sleep when I'm having nightmares."

Shaking her head, she reached out for the papers on Kat's mission. She browsed through them and signed the approval line with a quick flourish. Standing up, she made her way across the room, taking the time to kick of her boots. She only had to wait a few seconds for someone to walk past her quarters. With a few curt words, the approved mission parameters were on their way to the planning room via one intimidated ex-gardener.

Kara slammed the hatch shut and slipped the jacket off her shoulders. She ran her hand through her hair and grimaced as her hand caught in some dried paint. She had been helping the Chief camouflage a few of their transports with paint the night before, and it looked like she got a little sloppy in the application.

She made her way over to her locker, and pulling the door open, she flung the jacket inside. She examined her reflection in the mirror. There was definitely grey paint in her hair. Kara wondered if she had time to sneak in a proper shower before someone started missing her.

Her eyes drifted down past the few photographs she had taped up inside to catch on the only bright spot in her whole locker. Without even realizing she was doing it, her fingertips came out to brush the light lilac material of the dress. It had been a present from the former President.

Kara felt familiar tears pooling in her eyes.

Rubbing them away with the back of her hand, she let go of the dress. No matter how hard she wanted it to, that day was never coming back.

Closing her eyes, Kara started humming the music that had been playing the night Anders asked her to marry him. He had taken her outside underneath the stars and pulled her into his arms. Together they swayed and for the first time, Kara forgot she should be on guard.

_  
_Her body swayed to the soft hum as Kara remembered that feeling of being safe. She could still feel his warm breath against her cheek when he asked her to be his forever.

_She was running through the woods at full speed. She had told him to wait. She had said that she would only be a minute. She just had to check to make sure that every single person was evacuated before they tried to find the rest of the group._

_The fraker hadn't listened. He never listened._

"_I am going to kill you," she grumbled, jumping over a fallen tree._

_Her legs were just starting to pound when she saw him up ahead. He was standing in the middle of the clearing, his eyes locked with hers. She skidded to a stop. Something was wrong._

"_Lee?"_

"_I love you."_

_The words were mouthed seconds before the gunshot split the air. Kara felt her body jerk and knew it was from the sound of her heart breaking. A scream erupted from the very pit of her, and her body wrenched forward into an all-out sprint._

_She slid to the ground and picked his body up into his arms. Somehow she knew it was over before it had begun._

The dress fell to the floor as Kara snapped back to reality. She couldn't remember picking it up, but it had been in her hands. Her eyes frantically looked around the room. For a few seconds, she couldn't figure out where she was. Then she remembered.

She immediately wished she could forget.

Her hands were trembling. She could see the last look of pain written on Lee's face.

Kara froze. Lee's face? That couldn't be right. Why would it be Lee's face? "What the frak is going on?" Kara felt like she had said that phrase at least a hundred times since she tore herself out of bed. Everything was so confusing.

She stumbled over to her bunk before her knees could give out and took a seat. Staring down at her hands, she willed them to stop shaking. It was no use. She was completely terrified, and she had no clue why.

"I need sleep. I just need sleep." Her tone was less than reassuring.

Kara stretched her body out along the bunk and pulled the covers over her body. She didn't take the time to undress. She would only have to get up and put the clothes right back on as soon as the next crisis hit.

"_I need to be sure," Kara insisted. "I am not going to be responsible for another person's death."_

"_Kara…" he started._

_  
"No! Don't fraking start with me. I'm your superior, and this is an order. I'm going in." Kara sighed and brushed a kiss across his lips. "Just stay here, Zak. I'll be back in a few minutes."_

Kara rolled over onto her other side.

"_I'm…" He coughed, and Kara could see a small drop of blood pooling at the corner of his mouth. "I'm sorry, Kara."_

"_You have nothing to be sorry for," Kara choked out through the tears. "Nothing."_

"_I should… should have listened."_

"_Please," Kara whispered, not knowing who exactly she was pleading to. All she knew was this was the last thing she wanted when she formed the resistance with the others. "Please don't leave me, Sam."_

Kara punched at the covers and flipped on her back. Her hands unconsciously came up around her head.

"_You've always been better without me, Kara"_

"_No."_

"_You'll be fine. Hold strong. The Old Man… he's coming for you."_

"_No!" Kara yelled._

"_I love you."_

_  
"You cannot leave me, Lee. You said that we were okay. We are not okay if you die. Do you hear me, Adama? I am not okay with this." Her grip on his body tightened as she felt his breathing fading out. "Lee, please. Don't leave me."_

_Everything stopped as Lee's eyes went blank. His body lost its last bits of strength, and she felt his full weight pressing down on her. "No," she hissed as the last bit of hope drained from somewhere inside of her. "Please…"_

A groan escaped Kara's lips, and her hands began clawing at her body.

"_I've fought very hard to find you, Kara."_

_Kara froze as the sound of his voice made her blood run cold. _

_Her grip on the lifeless body of her husband tightened even more as her eyes rose to meet Leoben's. "You killed the man I love," she hissed. Her eyes fell down to look at Lee's face. He was really gone._

_Leoben gave her that infuriating smile she had spent years trying to forget. "With pleasure," he added. "I had to do it. I had to free you so you can feel the love of the true god."_

_An intense pain went through her body. "I loved this man more than I ever loved anyone in my life. He means more to me than your pitiful false god."_

"_But you almost killed him, Kara. You were prepared to just let him pass those flight tests even though he didn't have the skill necessary."_

_Kara felt her face go white. She had no idea how Leoben knew about her almost passing Zak and how it could have been his death. "I never meant it."_

"_You never mean anything, Kara." Leoben smiled and took a few steps closer. "Your selfishness is fascinating. You keep ruining life after life, and each time you say you never meant to do it. He was safe, you know. On Caprica. I was watching over him. We had special plans for Samuel Anders, but you had to go and interfere. You had to have the man because you were selfish and needed to feel wanted."_

"_I saved him," Kara growled._

"_You damned him," Leoben corrected. "Know that I take pleasure in making you see that. You are so beautiful when you suffer."_

_Kara's eyes fell down to Lee. "I… I didn't mean it. I left you behind because I didn't want this to happen."_

"_Excuses, excuses," Leoben taunted._

_Kara's jaw stiffened as her eyes shot up to glare at the Cylon in front of her. "Frak you."_

"_I only wished you could, but it is not in god's plan."_

"_Frak god's plan." Kara's hands brushed the hair out of Anders' face, and her heart started breaking all over again. What had she done to deserve this? He had taken away the one thing she loved. He had taken away her best friend, the brother of the man she should have married, the only man she had ever truly desired. He had taken Lee, and it was making him smile. She could feel the tears begin to fall again. "I… I don't understand." _

"_You got him killed, Kara. You get everyone killed." Leoben crouched on the ground in front of her. "Your precious link to the Adama family never stood a chance. The family was always too good for you. His brother resented the way you pushed Zak to be a pilot even though he wasn't good enough. His father didn't even care about your existence until he was gone. And Anders? Anders only wanted to tame the animal within you. He wanted to control you, and you just let him. You should be glad he's gone." With one last smile, the Cylon who had made his mission to ruin her life left her alone with the tattered pieces._

_Kara forced herself to look down at Lee. He looked so peaceful. That was something she had never seen before. He had been fighting for so long in a war he had done nothing to create. Sam was just a pyramid player in the wrong place at the wrong time. Kara couldn't help wondering if maybe it had been better if he was in the stadium the morning the machines attacked. Would it have been simpler for him to die?_

_His body was so still in her arms. It made her want to scream. In all the years she had known Lee, he was always on the move, always getting ready to do the next assignment. Kara's hand shook as she rubbed the blood off his face._

_Maybe if she prayed hard enough, she could wake up to find this had all been a dream._

Kara shot up in bed, a cold sweat chilling her body. Her mind reached out for reality, and she could feel herself begin to shake as it slipped right out of her grasp. A whimper fell from her lips when the sobs took over. They were low, almost guttural, coming from a place she had shut off a long time earlier. Her hands came up to circle her body, and she began to rock to a rhythm that was only in her head. Her mind was slipping away, breaking piece by piece, and she wasn't sure how to fix it.

She was a little girl again, trying to claw the demons from her skin.

_His last words would haunt her forever._

_They were soft, barely audible, and mingled with coughs that brightened the red staining his lips._

"_You nev… never really loved me, Kara. I… I always knew that. I wish… I could have… So sorry…" _


	2. Chapter 2

Kara drew the roll of gauze around her left arm, covering the fresh scratches before anyone could see them. She had about one hour before the blood started soaking through. Then she would have to steal away to switch the bandaging. It was better than the alternative of trying to explain why every night when she went to sleep she woke up to find she had tried to claw the marriage tattoo off her skin.

She stumbled into the hallway, doing her best to ignore how painful it was to walk. That morning, she had woken up to find herself banging on the hatch as if she was trapped inside a room with no air. She had frantically tried to claw her way out of the room, and it left her with massive bruises on her right side.

If she tried really hard, the winces were barely noticeable.

Cally had told her to take a break a few days ago when she passed out in the middle of planning a mission. Kara had agreed, but she knew in her heart there was no way. The Chief had left two weeks before under orders by Tigh that not even Kara was privy to. Without Tyrol around, it feel to Kara to keep the troops in line. They listened to her.

"I can rest when I'm dead," Kara mumbled to herself as she dragged her body down the corridors.

The planning room was almost empty. A few of the pilots Kara had served with on Galactica were talking something out with Cally, but that was about it. A wave of relief washed over her. It was always easier to keep up the façade when there were only a handful of people around.

"Starbuck," Cally said, waving her friend over. "Duck was just trying to explain why we have no chance of maintaining communication with any ship hovering above the planet."

Kara's brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of what Cally said. "Why the frak would we care about communicating with the base stars?"

The pilots exchanged looks before Duck finally spoke up, "We were all assuming Galactica and Pegasus might be up there someday, not the base stars."

"Oh," Kara said. She felt the urge to smack her head against the desk. She should have realized that. The resistance had only been preparing for that day since the first Cylon set foot on New Caprica. "I must still be half asleep."

Kara could feel Cally's eyes roaming over her face and knew that the ex-deckhand wasn't falling for it. Cally knew she hadn't slept last night. She always knew.

"Guys, could you give me a second with the Captain?" Cally said. She never took her eyes off Kara as the pilots nodded and made their way out of the room as quickly as possible. They could sense a storm brewing. "Kara," Cally started.

"I'm fine, Cally. It's just the stress of not having the Chief around. There's a lot to do."

"Kara."

"I said I was fraking fine!" Kara screamed. She braced herself against the table as the wave of anger drained her little bit of strength away.

"I know you loved him and you wish he was still here, but he's not coming back. He's dead."

Kara shook her head. "He's not dead, Cally. No matter what I think, he's not dead."

Cally's face paled. "You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Lee is not dead," Kara hissed. She knew her dreams kept telling her otherwise, but she wasn't about to let them win. She was determined to stay in control.

"Of course he isn't," Cally said, taking a tentative step towards Kara. "I wasn't talking about Lee."

"Well who the frak were you talking about?"

Cally reached out to touch Kara's shoulder. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Now would you just fraking tell me who I'm supposed to think is dead?"

"Your husband, Kara." Cally's grip on her arm tightened. "_Sam's_ dead."

Kara's face went white as a sheet, and she could feel her knees give out as the memories started slamming back into her. Things had gotten so jumbled that she forgot. She was fighting so hard to try to figure out what was a lie that she lost what was the truth. "Sam… Sam's gone?"

"Oh gods, Kara."

Kara turned to see Cally staring at where her hand was gripping Kara's arm. She was holding on so tight that she had aggravated the scratches. Kara's blood had soaked all the way through her layers of clothing. It was odd that Kara didn't feel the pain that should have caused. "I'm fine. It's nothing, Cally. Let go. I'm fine."

"Kara Thrace, you need to stop fraking lying to me. You are _not _fine. Something is wrong, and I swear to the gods, if you don't tell me right now, I'm going to make a scene something fierce, and you do not want that."

"I know you're concerned, but really it's just the stress of what's happening. We're back to the start, fighting for our lives every single day with no end in sight. It would throw anyone for a loop."

"You're not anyone," Cally insisted. "And stress doesn't explain why your arm is hurt."

"I've been having nightmares."

"Kara…"

Kara smacked her fist against the table, scrapping the knuckles against the rough metal. "No, you can't blame me for that. You can't judge me for being upset that my husband died. You would be going through the same thing. So I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I saw I'm allowed. I've earned the right to be upset. For months, I was the backbone of this gods-damn Fleet. Can't I let go for just one fraking second without everyone getting on my back? 'What's the matter, Kara'? 'You should talk about it, Kara'. 'What's the next plan, Kara'? I'm fraking tired of having to be the one in charge when all I need is one day of peace and quiet to get my head straight. I just need to get my head straight."

Kara gripped the edge of the table and felt herself struggling to regain her breath. Her little outburst had left her gasping for air. She was almost back in control when she felt Cally's hand rest on top of hers.

"I wasn't accusing you or blaming you, Kara. I was just going to ask what the nightmares were about."

Kara's eyes went wide as she realized what she had done. "His death, Cally. I keep seeing his death. Only it's not. I can't figure out what's real." Kara ran her fingers through her hair. "Frak me. My head is throbbing."

"You shouldn't have yelled," Cally pointed out.

Kara was about to say something sarcastic when the pounding flared out into one big bang. Her hands came up to clutch the sides of her head, and she could feel herself pitch forward against the table. The little voice was taking over again. "No, I'm not going to fraking do this."

She could hear Cally's voice calling out her name, but it sounded so far away. She could smell the blood on her arm, and the image of Anders' fallen body flashed through her mind.

"_Don't leave me, Sam," Kara whispered._

"_I'm only leaving because you want me to."_

_Kara looked up to see Leoben was smiling down at her. This time he wasn't alone. Sam was standing by his side. He had been the one to speak. "I don't want you to go."_

"_You don't want me to stay," Sam said with a shrug. "We both know I was never a permanent part of your life."_

"_I married you, Sam. I don't know what else I could have done to let you know that I wanted to be with you forever."_

_His face turned up in a sad smile "You could have loved me, Kara. You could have showed me that you really did want me."_

"_I don't understand."_

"_Even in death, it's him you want by your side."_

_  
Kara followed Anders' eyes down to the man cradled in her arms. A faint buzzing filled the back of her head. She knew this wasn't right. Anders was the one who was supposed to be dying. He _had _died in her arms. This wasn't supposed to be Lee. "I don't want him to take your place."_

"_Really, Kara," Leoben finally spoke. "You're still going to lie to the man even after he gave up his life? He loved you and that killed him. Yet it's not enough. He was never enough to you."_

"_He was everything."_

"_Then why do you clutch to the memory of Lee Adama? Why do you refuse to let him go?"_

"_You let me go," Anders pointed out._

"_I never let you go. You chose to leave me."_

"_I chose to get myself shot by the Cylon with the crazy obsession with you?" Anders shook his head. "No, Kara. You were the one that forced me to be in this resistance. If I wanted to hang on to you, I had to become that kind of man. I had to be the Sam you knew on Caprica, not the Sam who was standing in front of you, desperately wanting to be with you forever. It's your pattern, Kara. Every man you ever met, you tried to turn into him."_

_Kara looked down at Lee and shook her head. "No."_

_Leoben's voice came down close to her ear. "You need to chose, Kara. Who's it going to be? Who are you going to mourn today? Which part of the pain is what's eating you up inside, pushing you to the edge?"_

_Kara watched Lee's face morph into Anders and then Zak's. It was an unending cycle as she felt her guilt cutting into her. This was wrong. Zak wasn't dead. Or was it Lee who was alive? She turned her head to look at her surroundings. She couldn't figure out where she was. Was this Caprica? New Caprica? Picon? She couldn't remember._

"_No," she whispered. "No no no no no."_

Kara started screaming at the top of her lungs and pushed away from the table. She stumbled back against the wall. Cally's hands came out to keep her from sliding to the ground.

"I would have died for him," Kara whispered. She could feel the tears running down her cheeks. She didn't care.

"Who?" Cally finally asked. Her hand came up to touch the cheek of her very broken friend.

Kara's eyes came up to look at Cally. Cally had to fight the urge not to gasp. They were so vacant. She had never seen Kara this way before.

"I… I wish I knew," Kara said. She slumped back against the wall. Her eyes continued to hold the spot just past Cally's shoulder. "I killed them, you know. Every single one of them. They're all dead."

Cally continued to watch Kara, but it was apparent that something had finally snapped within her. The Kara everyone knew and admired wasn't there anymore. All that was left was this irreparable shell, a shadow of what she had once been.

A knock on the hatch cut through the silence of the room, and Cally let Kara's body slide to the ground. She walked to the hatch, but Kara barely noticed. Her mind was busy trying to find the reality once again. It got harder each time.

Before she even realized Cally had moved away, she was back, crouching down in front of her. "I need to take care of some business, Kara. Are you fine staying here for a few minutes? It'll just be until I come back, not long at all. I promise."

Cally waited until Kara's head moved in a slight nod and then stood up. She made her way outside to the corridor. A handful of Marines were there to see her within seconds.

"Kat told us you needed some sort of guard."

"I want the planning room sealed off. No one is to go in there unless I say so, not even Colonel Tigh. If someone has a problem with that, have them come find me. Do not let them inside that room." Cally let her words sink in before she started moving down the corridor. She got halfway to the end before she turned back. "That goes for you lot as well. No matter what you hear coming from inside that room, screaming, crying, I don't care. You are not to go in there."

Cally managed to make it out of the Marines' sight before she started sprinting. She made it to her quarters in record time.

"Happy to see me again?" Galen Tyrol asked as his wife burst into the room.

Cally didn't respond. She simply fell into his arms and started crying. Tyrol felt his stomach drop out. "Cally?"

"I tried, Galen. I tried, but I lost her."

"What are you talking about?"

Cally pulled back to look into her husband's eyes. "We all know that Kara's been working through some issues, but I really thought she would be fine. I thought she would work through it. Gods, she was so lost that day we went back to the base to get the last of the supplies and found her cradling Anders' body."

"I'm just glad we were able to be there so soon after Leoben shot him. I don't know what Kara would have done if we hadn't forced her to snap out of it."

Cally shook her head. "She didn't snap out of it. She's been fooling every single one of us."

"What happened?" Tyrol said, taking a few steps back as he shifted himself away from the personal connection he had to Kara. He had a feeling he needed to be Chief Tyrol, leader of the resistance, right now instead of Galen, husband and friend.

"I lost her. I was just trying to get her to admit that she was still tired, and something snapped. She started crying and screaming. She was clawing at her head and yelling at someone to shut up. She said she couldn't take it anymore. She said she didn't want anyone else to die." Cally sighed. "I think she's been having flashbacks and didn't tell anyone, and I think the flashbacks are worse than we think. I'm not sure she understands what really happened anymore. She seems to think Commander Adama might have been the one that died instead of Anders, and she called out Zak's name a few times. I don't know if Kara understands what's real and what's imaginary. I don't know what to do, Galen."

"We can't do anything," Tyrol said, nodding as a plan started forming in his head. He hated to see his wife this upset, but he couldn't dwell on that right now. "You and I can't do anything, Cally, but I think I know someone who can."

"If you even suggest Tigh or Kat…" Cally's voice trailed off as she fought the urge to smack her husband. "I know it's her usual strategy, but fighting is not going to fix this for Kara."

"Not necessarily," Tyrol insisted. "We just have to make sure Kara's fighting with the right person."

"And who would that person be?"

"Who else?" Tyrol smirked. "Lee Adama."

"Not fraking funny," Cally hissed.

"Not fraking kidding," Tyrol countered. "It's happened, Cally. We made contact."

Cally's mouth dropped open. "That's where you've been these past few weeks?"

"That's where I've been. Listen. I can explain the details later. Right now we need to fraking hurry."

"What are you talking about?' Cally asked, her face lighting up with confusion.

"You said we can't do anything for Kara right now, and I agree. I don't think Kara would even let us get close. The only person she would ever trust that much is Apollo." Tyrol grabbed Cally's hand and pulled her out into the corridor. "Where's Kara?"

"Locked up in the planning room. I have a couple Marines guarding the door. No one's going in and no one's coming out."

"Good. Make them clear the hallway."

"For what?"

"Commander Adama has been personally drawing up plans to take back New Caprica with me for the past few days. His Raptor's still down on the surface, but it won't be for long. He's scheduled to go back to his ship in a few hours. There's a resistance attack set up as cover, although no one knows that's what it's for. We need to get Kara on that Raptor."

"I don't understand."

"She's no good to us down here if she can't keep her head in the game"

"So you're just going to ship her away?"

"It's for her own good, and I'm not _just_ shipping her away. I'm sending her back with Lee. He'll take care of her, Cally. He always does. She'll be safe, and you and I can focus on doing what has to be done."

Cally grumbled under her breath until she and Tyrol reached the Marine guards. She growled out an order for them to clear the hallway before turning back to look at her husband. "You're right. There's nothing we can do. So let's just get this fraking over with before I realized just how much I'm betraying my friend."

Tyrol rested his hand on his wife's shoulder, and in that moment, she knew she wasn't alone in feeling guilt. They both knew that out of everyone in the resistance, Starbuck deserved to be here the most. She had given the most to the cause. It was a crime for them to be taking this away from her.

After a few moments, Tyrol gave a quick look up and down the corridor and then pushed the hatch open. Cally pointed to the table in the middle of the room and followed silently behind him as they crossed the threshold.

Tyrol kneeled down in front of Kara. His heart ached to see that she barely even noticed he was there. "Kara, it's me, Galen. I'm here to help."

Kara muttered something and looked down at the ground.

"What did she say?" Tyrol asked, looking up at his wife.

"She said nothing can help," Cally whispered.

Tyrol turned back to the fallen woman. "Frak that. I'm going to pick you up now, Kara, and we're going to get you to a place where you can get better. You trust me, don't you?" Kara stared at him a moment before giving a quick nod. "Good."

Tyrol's arms slid around her. He hadn't realized how much weight she had been losing until he had her in his arms. She weighed next to nothing. "Everything's going to be okay now, Kara."

Cally walked in front of her husband all the way through the base and out into the forest around it, making sure that no one was around to see what they were doing. Starbuck was almost an iconic figure of this resistance. It would be hard enough explaining why she was no longer around. They didn't need to explain why Tyrol had to actually carry her away.

Tyrol slid Kara into the passenger's seat of a transport and gave a sigh. Turning to Cally, he smiled. "You have to stay here."

"Of course I do."

"I won't be long. I just need to catch Lee before he leaves."

"Go," Cally said. She reached out to touch her husband's cheek. "But hurry back. I'm going to need you to help explain this."

Tyrol leaned in a for a quick kiss and then he was gone.

Cally let out a long sigh. This was not how she thought her day would go.


	3. Chapter 3

_Kara woke up with a start, and her fingers clawed at the satin sheets wrapped around her body. Her hands came up to her head and froze when she felt hair that should not be that long. The sheet felt down off her body, and the sudden cold made her freeze. _

_She was naked._

_She was naked in a bed she didn't know in a room she had never been in with hair that had never had time to grow that long and there was a happy feeling in the pit of her stomach she couldn't get a handle on._

_There was a soft knock on the door, and Kara frantically pulled the sheet up around her body. She had just accomplished it when the door pushed open. Kara's eyes went wide. "Lee! I… I thought you were dead."_

_Lee smiled. "That's a nice way to say good morning."_

_  
The questions came like wildfire. "What the frak are you doing here? Where the frak am I? What happened?"_

_Lee laid down on the bed next to where she sat. "This is our room, you live here, and we had one hell of a night, love."_

_Kara froze. When had Lee ever called her love before? And why the frak did she not feel scared? "This… this is familiar."_

"_It should be. We've lived here since my first term started."_

_Memories started flooding her mind. The Cylons attacking and failing. Lee retiring from the military. Kara slowly and surely falling in love with Zak's older brother. Her decision to move down to Picon to be with him. Their marriage. Lee running for President. The celebration party. Moving into this house. Talking about having a family. Falling asleep by Lee's side every night._

_This was her life._

_Her hand came out to tentatively touch Lee, and it seemed to be the opening he had been waiting for. He pulled her down against him and sighed. "It's a good thing I love you so much, Kara, or this whole selective amnesia thing that comes and goes might get on my nerves."_

"_Frak off," Kara growled, mostly on instinct._

"_What no 'frak me'?"_

_Memories of the night before suddenly became clear, and Kara blushed. "I think we both know what happens when I use that phrase."_

_Lee grinned. "And why wouldn't you want that?"_

"_I'm sore," Kara insisted, burrowing herself closer to him. "And I'm tired."_

"_This could have all been yours, Kara."_

_Kara's head shot up. "What?"_

_Lee was staring at her with a sadness in his eyes that had not been there a few seconds earlier. "You could have had all this if you didn't insist on fraking up what we had."_

"_Lee?"_

"_I'm dead, Kara. You killed me. Wake. Up. WAKE UP!"_

Kara shot up and looked around frantically. Her bearings came back almost immediately. She was in a transport in the middle of the forest outside New Caprica City. Her eyes fell on a pair of men talking a few yards away. The Chief was back. That was good to know. She might be able to start pretending she's still okay if he's around to take up some of the burden.

Kara's eyes lit up with confusion as she suddenly recognized the man Tyrol was talking to. She started looking around again as she tried to figure out if she was hallucinating. This wasn't like any of the other times. She could swear she was awake.

She pushed the door of the transport open and felt a sense of relief when her feet hit solid ground. She had only taken a few steps before a pair of solid arms were around her, helping her move forward. "Lee?" she gasped, stopping in her tracks. Her hands came out to clutch at him. "You're okay."

Lee's grip tightened on her, and before she knew what was happening, he had her scooped up into her arms. "I'm taking you home, Kara."

Kara smiled at him. "This is a nice one. Just don't start talking about how I killed you this time."

Lee shot a look of confusion at Tyrol, but he just shrugged. "I'll send someone back next week to see what progress you've made, Chief."

Tyrol nodded. He figured this new development with Kara meant the end of his meetings with Lee. The Commander would have his hands full if he wanted to fix whatever had broken inside this irreparably scarred woman.

Lee clutched Kara tightly as he entered the Raptor. She had changed so much in the little time they were apart. He set her down in the co-pilot's chair before punching a few buttons to close the ramp. The pressure from the airlock hissed as it sealed the ship, and Lee finally let himself breathe.

He turned to look at the woman by his side. Tyrol had tried to warn him, but Lee now knew he had had no hope of preparing himself for this. She was broken in every sense of the word. There was a frailty to her body that had never been there before. It matched the frailty he knew was inside of her.

Lee shut his eyes as anger started to choke him inside. Kara did not deserve this. How could these people just let her fall away? Why hadn't they done something to stop this?

The voice of guilt reminded Lee that maybe these people didn't know how. Maybe they didn't know Kara like he did. They wouldn't know that getting her to go one-on-one in the gym usually opened her up to talk about the things she was avoiding. They didn't know that a quiet run through the halls could make her blurt out secrets you didn't even know she was hiding.

Lee knew he never should have let her leave.

He had told her not to, and when she asked him what reason she had to stay, he had choked. His mind was screaming at him to tell her this was her home, that no matter what she did her heart was going to be in the air, that he needed her so much having her leave would rip out half of his heart.

He had said none of those things, and so here he was. Desperately trying to pick up the pieces of his mistake.

"You're going to be okay, Kara," Lee whispered. He turned to the controls and powered up the Raptor. "I'm going to fix this."

The Raptor filled with silence and stayed that way for the hours it took Lee to pilot them back. Kara fell asleep a few times only to wake up with a scream on the tip of her tongue. Her eyes would fly frantically around the Raptor until they landed on Lee. Her face full of confusion, she would make as if she was going to ask a question. Then the moment would pass and she would pull back.

When Lee picked Kara up into his arms, he had no clue what he was intending to do besides bring her back to the Pegasus. There were so many questions he needed to address. Should he tell his father that Kara is back? Would it be safe? How can he command the Pegasus and watch over her? What would the others think when they found out?

The answers still eluded him, but Lee knew he was ready to take the next step. "Pegasus, this is Pegasus Actual returning from my mission."

Hoshi's voice greeted him with its usual youthful exuberance. "Pegasus Actual, the landing tube on the starboard is clear for you."

"Do me a favor and clear the hangar bay." Lee looked over at Kara. She was sleeping again. "My trip had some unexpected twists that I'd like to keep quiet for a little bit."

Hoshi paused for only a moment before agreeing. Lee knew that pause was more out of confusion rather than a lack of loyalty or obedience to his commander. Hoshi was a good man.

Lee hadn't flown a Raptor in months, and it landed in the hangar bay with a resounding clunk. On a normal day, he would be teased for something like that. Today, he figured he deserved it. The one woman he had cared for unconditionally for as long as he'd known her was lost, and the gods had charged him with the mission of figuring out how to bring her back. A man with that kind of pressure deserves to botch a landing or two.

Lee looked out the windshield of the Raptor and, seeing the hangar bay completely deserted, lowered the ramp. Standing up, he slid one arm underneath Kara's knees while the other came around her back. The small motion jolted her awake. Instead of attacking him like Lee though she would do, she latched on tight. "He laughed at me, Lee," she cried softly. "He killed the man I love and then he laughed."

Her eyes pleaded with him, and Lee knew he couldn't ask her what she talking about. Instead, he tightened his arms and scooped her up off the chair. "Shhh," he whispered, leaning his head against hers. "It's okay, Kara. Everything is going to be okay."

"I… I can't figure out what's happening. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. Is he trying to tell me something? Is he trying to save me? Should I be listening? I don't know why he had to die. Why did I have to pick him and lead him to slaughter? I don't know if we ever even had a chance. I was so mean to him for so long, and then I broke his heart. I left him. I let him die." Kara pulled back to look him in the eye. "But then you're not. I saw you die, and then you're not. It's Sam. I know it's Sam, but he doesn't want me to know that. He wants it to be you or your brother. He keeps pushing, pushing, pushing, and I don't know why. I don't know what he wants. I'm so tired, Lee. I don't want to do this anymore, but it won't stop."

"It's going to stop now. He won't be able to get to you anymore."

Kara's admission was a soft whisper. "I'm scared."

Lee bit his lip as the woman in his arms broke down. He had never felt so inadequate in his life.

His pace quickened, and he made it to his quarters in less than thirty seconds. Only a few people noticed, and even then they knew to turn their heads away.

Lee punched in the code to the hatch and slipped into the room that had never felt like home. Kara was watching his face and had been since the end of her outburst of confusion. There was a trust in her eyes that Lee had never seen before. She was always so wary of him, of his ability to make decisions, of the times he chose to make a stand, of every single choice he made.

He set her down on his bed, the one he had been tossing and turning in only a few days earlier. He didn't want to leave her, but there was no choice. He was the Commander of the ship. He had duties and responsibilities. He couldn't just shrug them off because Kara needed him. There were people depending on him. "I'll be right back."

"I…"

"Just rest," Lee whispered, guiding Kara down against the soft mattress. He pulled the covers over her trembling body and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. "I'll only be a moment, and then I want you to tell me every single thing that has you worried. We will get to the bottom of this, Kara."

Lee gave her a smile and then walked over to his desk. He need to talk to his father. William Adama deserved to know Kara was safe. He needed to speak with Dee and Helo. The two officers were going to have to pick up the slack that Lee was leaving behind. He couldn't shrug all his duties, but Kara was about to become one of his top priorities.

Kara rolled over to face the wall and leaned her nose into the pillow. It smelled like Lee.

"_How does it feel to be the wife of a Colonial champion?"_

_The kitchen towel in her hand fell to the floor as Kara's eyes went wide. She turned to see her husband casually leaning against the door frame of their kitchen. "Sam!" she screamed as she threw herself into his arms. "You weren't supposed to be back until tonight."_

_  
"I called in a few favors. I didn't want to be away from my girl on our anniversary."_

_Kara rained kisses all over his face. She couldn't believe he was here. The Buccaneers had been playing in the Colonial World Cup over on Gemenon. He was supposed to be millions of miles away._

"_Sometimes I'm really sorry you couldn't let it be like this."_

_Kara pulled back to see Sam's face had fallen from the cool smirk she knew and loved to a look of complete sadness. "What's wrong?"_

"_You never really loved me, Kara. I've known that for a long time, but I've been selfish. I didn't want to let you go."_

_Kara's heart dropped out as she felt Sam push her away. "But I love you."_

"_No, you don't. It's time to stop pretending."_

"_What are you talking about?"_

"_If you loved me, you wouldn't have let him kill me. You would have given your life to save me."_

"_I…" Kara wanted desperately to tell him he was wrong, to say that she had no clue what he meant. He was alive. He was here before her. They were married. They were happy. _

_Yet there was a part of her that knew he was right._

_Tears staining her vision, Kara reached out for Sam, but somehow she knew she would never be able to touch him again._

Kara sprung up in the bed, and Lee was at her side within seconds. The second her wild eyes settled on his, Lee expected her to fall into his arms. It was what she had been doing since he took her from Tyrol's care.

That's why it hurt so much when she scrambled away from his touch.

"Kara."

"Don't touch me," she hissed.

Lee ignored her and inched over on the bed. "You can't pull away now."

"I said don't fraking touch me," she screamed, lashing out with her fists.

Lee was almost pushed off the end of the bed, but he grabbed her hand and held on. "You need to stop this now, Kara."

Kara's eyes narrowed as she regarded Lee. "My life would have been so much better if you weren't in it." The reaction was immediate. Kara's hands flew up to her mouth as she saw the pain on Lee's face. Her eyes went wide. "Oh gods. I didn't mean that. I… I don't know why… these things happen in my head. I get so confused. There's all this blame and guilt and he won't shut up and I try to claw the words out but they won't go away."

Lee grabbed Kara's hands away from her mouth and gently dragged her to his side. He wrapped his arms around her and held on tight. This was the only method of comfort he knew would work right now. Kara always responded to his touch even if it wasn't in the way he intended. "You don't need to apologize."

Kara pulled back to look at him. "I've fraked everything up. I tried to be good. I did everything I was supposed to. I tried. I really did, but it didn't work. It's all fraked up."

The smart thing to do was reassure her that she had not fraked anything up, but Lee knew she didn't need him to do the smart thing. She needed him to tell the truth. "It doesn't matter. Whatever it is, we'll fix it." He let out a deep sigh. "You need to get some sleep."

"I don't want to."

"Kara, you don't have to be scared. If you have another nightmare, I'll wake you up."

"You'll watch over me?" Kara asked tentatively.

"If that's what you want."

"You won't leave me?"

"Not unless you kick me out."

"I won't," Kara said. She slid her body down to lay on the bed again. She was waiting for him.

Lee stood up and silently slipped out of his jacket. He paused a second before unbuttoning his pants and leaving them in a pile on the floor. Pushing back the covers, he got onto the bed next to Kara.

The quarters of Pegasus's commander had never been a particularly warm place. Lee liked to think his presence had changed that. His pilots dropped by when they were off shift and not just because they had been ordered to. His crew stopped calling it the quarters of death. He stopped wondering if he was truly supposed to be here.

The only thing it had been missing was the very thing currently in his arms.

"Sometimes it's Zak." Kara's voice was soft, weak, but Lee could feel the emotion driving it. She was struggling to find a way to explain what's going on inside. "It's him I see, and it gives me a relief to know he's there. We're in the middle of hell, but he's there. That means you're not, though. You're not there and Sam's not there and I don't know who's getting shot and it hurts a lot more than reality."

Lee kept himself silent and just listened to her talk. Her voice was vacant, making Lee wonder if she truly knew where she was or who she was talking to. He didn't know how to get a handle on this different Kara. One second, he swore she was the same as before, and then the next she was this broken shard of the woman he had known.

She was talking, though. That was the first opening she had given him.

He stored away the small bits of information she was offering him. During the few minutes before Kara woke up, the Chief had given him a quick description of what they believe happened to Anders. Still, there were things that only Kara knew, Leoben's part in Sam's death being the most noticeable.

Lee's eyes caught on the blood-stained sleeve of her jacket, but he knew now was not the time to ask her. Later he would bandage it up and maybe she would explain. Most likely, she wouldn't. She was still extremely wary of him.

Even though Kara's voice had finally drifted off as sleep took hold and Lee had about a thousand things to do, he couldn't get himself to move from the bed. Her breathing had evened out, and she wasn't thrashing about like when she fell asleep before. Lee knew it was arrogant of him to think, but he really wanted a part of that to be because of him.

A soft knock on his hatch pulled Lee away from his thoughts. Lee waited for the person to realize he wasn't answering, but the knocking persisted. Biting a groan back, Lee disentangled himself from Kara as gently as he could. She barely stirred.

Lee stumbled out into the main office of his quarters and cringed at the light. Rubbing his eyes, he punched in the code to open his hatch. Anger bubbled up inside of him when he saw who was there. If anyone should have known better than to disturb him, it was her.

"Is there a crisis, Dee?" Lee muttered as he tried to get his bearings.

"No, I just thought…" Her voice trailed off as she craned her neck to see into his quarters.

Lee shifted to block her view. "You thought?"

"I thought you'd want to see me, Lee. You took on a lot, going down to New Caprica yourself. Don't you want to talk to someone about it?"

"Did my father speak with you?"


	4. Chapter 4

Lee stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to sling around his waist. He jumped slightly at the sight of his reflection in the mirror. These days, he was looking pretty bad. There were dark bags under his eyes. He hadn't been sleeping too well. He was too worried about what would happen if Kara woke up without him right there, ready to help. The stubble on his chin have moved towards full-on beard classification. Lee kept forgetting to shave. There were too many things to do. His hand rubbed his chin and then continued on to touch the scratches on his chest. They were finally starting to heal which meant it was about time for him to get some more.

Sighing, Lee stepped out of the bathroom and into his private quarters. He paused only slightly when he saw Kara was up. She was looking through some of the paperwork he had to do. That was a very good sign.

"How'd you sleep?" Lee asked.

"I didn't wake up screaming," Kara answered, not looking up from the reports.

Lee felt an immediate sense of relief come over him. Over the past two months that Kara had been on Pegasus, she was slowly starting to have fits of peaceful rest mixed in with the nightmares. Lee took that as a sign that he was doing something right. It had been days since he found her trying to bang and claw her way out of the room. He wasn't sure where that desire to be free came from. Kara still wasn't sharing everything with him yet. "That's great."

The room returned to silence, and Lee realized that Kara was really engrossed in those reports. He felt an immense feeling of relief wash over him. She really was making progress if she could concentrate on something that boring.

Kara had come to this ship looking like she had lost her last grip on reality. For the first few days, she muttered incoherent thoughts about what was happening, and all Lee could do was hold on and wait to see if anything shifted. He stayed by her side, selfishly ignoring the duties he had. Every few hours, he would try to get her to eat some kind of food, bringing her tray after tray of food. She barely touched a drop of it. He couldn't even get her to admit that she saw what he was offering. She was caught up so deep within herself.

Lee wanted to scream in triumph the morning he woke up to find her staring at him. He was afraid of what that meant for the few seconds before she smirked and told him he needed to take a shower because he smelled.

Kara wasn't suddenly healed at that point. She had a nightmare about an hour after making that joke and didn't talk for the rest of the day. When he tried to get her to eat, she flung the whole tray of food at his head. He barely ducked in time.

The nightmares didn't go away, but it seemed like Kara had finally found a way to deal with them. Lee could see her sorting through them each time she woke up. Every morning it seemed to get easier to identify reality.

Lee was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he forgot he had just come from the shower. It wasn't until Kara looked up to give him a smile but instead ended up gasping that he remembered. He could smack himself for being so stupid.

Kara's eyes stayed locked on the scratches on his chest. She shoved the reports to the side and got up from the bed. "What happened, Lee?" she whispered as her hand reached out to trace the scars. "Who did this to you?"

"You don't remember?"

"No," Kara replied, still fixated on the scarred skin.

"Kara, it was you." Lee gave her a reassuring smile when she looked up at him in alarm. "You had a rough night a few days ago. You woke up screaming and I was the last person you wanted to see. You got mad when I tried to calm you down."

"I'm sorry," Kara whispered.

Lee reached out to touch her cheek and then, after a moment, stepped back. "You see anything you like in those reports?"

"The flight schedules are complete shit," Kara said, flopping down on the bed. "The wingmen pairings aren't even, and there's a few holes where a Cylon could easily take out a chunk of the Fleet because of bad shift trade-offs."

Lee laughed and reached into his closet for his dress blues. "Well, not everyone can be as efficient as I was."

"You weren't efficient. You had a stick up your ass," Kara corrected. She looked up from the reports, and her face immediately filled with confusion. "Why are you dressed like that?"

"I am Commander of this ship, Kara, no matter how much you insist I'm not smart enough."

"I didn't forget," Kara insisted. "It's just… you haven't been in your dress blues the whole time I've been on Pegasus. I'm not used to seeing you in them."

The room filled with silence as Lee straightened his collar in the mirror.

"Is there something important happening?" Kara asked quietly.

Lee sighed and turned to look at her. "The rescue mission is happening in an hour."

Kara's eyes went wide, and Lee could see the small progress he had made slowly drain away. He was across the room and kneeling on the bed next to her in five seconds. His hands cradled her face, and after a second, he pulled her body against his. "_That's_ why I didn't want you to know. I'm not expecting you to do anything, Kara. You can just stay in my quarters for all I care. We're going to run this mission, save who we can, and then jump away. I don't want you to worry one bit about it."

Kara pulled back from his arms and gave a quick smile to say she understood. Lee was happy to see that she had gotten a little of her control back. "Can I come to the CIC with you?"

"You really want to do that?"

Kara gave a small nod.

"You know what CICs are like during battles, Kara. It's going to be chaos. Can you handle that?"

"I'll have you with me."

Lee sighed. "I can't lose focus."

"I won't get in the way. I just… I don't think I can sit in this cabin while everyone else is risking their lives. The people down on that planet looked to me for leadership. I don't want to fail them again."

"Kara, you never failed them."

"No, I just didn't finish the job."

Lee sighed. He had no clue why he had such trouble making clear, rational decisions when Kara was around. "Fine. But at the first sign of anything, I'm having a Marine escort you back here."

"Agreed." Kara stood up. "How do I look?"

"For a return back to military society, I say you look pretty damn good."

Kara moved to his side and slid her hand in his. Together they walked out into the corridors as if this kind of thing happened everyday.

Lee had to admit he was nervous. This was a large step for Kara to be taking. She had only been out of his quarters a handful of times since he brought her to the Pegasus. Even then it was only to assure his father and Helo that she was really going to be okay. Lee knew people were starting to ask questions, but he didn't really care. Kara needed to get well, and she couldn't do that around a ton of people. She had tried that down on New Caprica, and the stress had almost killed her.

Lee felt Kara shift to hide behind his shoulder as they entered the CIC. They both knew how this was going to go. Lee was going to pretend like Kara wasn't there. He wouldn't even acknowledge her presence to the other members of his crew. It was better if no one commented because if something went wrong, then Kara could just leave. It would be almost as if she had never been there at all.

Orders started coming in as ships readied themselves for the battle ahead. Lee let go of Kara's hands to focus on the job. Minutes blurred into one another and before he knew it, the mission had started. There were explosions and people screaming information at him left and right. Through it all, he could feel Kara standing beside him. She was watching every single thing that happened.

Then something went wrong. A transport got caught in the crossfire between Pegasus and the Cylon basestar it was attacking. The comm channel was open when the ship went down, and the screams of the crew filled the whole CIC.

Lee turned in time to see Kara's face go completely white. His worst nightmare was happening before his very eyes. He screamed at Dee to take over the boards and let himself forget his responsibilities for just a few precious seconds. Grabbing Kara's hand, he pulled her past the CIC crew.

"Did you hear him?" Kara asked as Lee motioned the nearest Marine over.

"Hear who?"

"He was calling out to me. Oh gods. He really does blame me. He wanted me to save him, but I couldn't do it. Gods, I didn't want him to die. I would have saved him if I could, but I couldn't. He died thinking that was what I wanted, that I was better off without him. I never wanted that. He was screaming, screaming at the top of his lungs at me for what I've done, for how I'd killed him."

Lee's hands grasped her shoulders, and he gently shook her until her eyes looked up at him. "Who, Kara? Who are you talking about?"

Kara's face crumpled. "I don't know. I just don't know. It hurts."

Lee motioned for the Marine. "Take her back to my personal quarters. Do not stop for anything. Stay by the door. Do not let anyone in until I get back. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir." The Marine snapped off a quick salute. He went to grab Kara's arm in order to start leading her down the corridor, and Lee realized he had forgot to tell the Marine not to touch Kara. The Marine got the picture when Kara's fist jumped out to get intimate with his jaw.

"Are you okay?" Lee said, putting himself between the Marine and Kara.

The Marine's hand came up to rub his jaw, and he gave a quick nod. "Never better, sir."

"Good. Try to see if you can get her to my quarters without touching her." Lee turned to Kara. "I'll be back as soon as I can, Kara. Just hold on."

Kara gave him a weak smile. Lee knew that was a sign that she was going to try, but he suddenly wondered if that would be enough. "Go," Kara whispered before leaning in to kiss his cheek. "I'll try to hold it together."

Lee found himself unable to move until both Kara and her Marine guard disappeared around the corner. Then he heard someone in the CIC scream his name, and he snapped back to attention. They were in the middle of the biggest mission they've had to run up until this point. He needed to get his head in the game.


	5. Chapter 5

Lee turned the boards permanently over to Dee the first chance he had. Then he was sprinting down the corridors. He didn't care if it was behavior unbecoming of a battlestar commander. He just knew that those precious minutes he had left Kara alone could have done more damage than anyone imagined. He had to get to her.

"Kara?" he called the second the hatch had locked behind him. When there was no answer, he started frantically searching the rooms.

He found her huddled on the bathroom floor. Her arms were tucked around her head, and she was moving in a gentle rocking motion. Lee tried not to flinch at the flecks of blood on the broken mirror or the raw cuts on the knuckles of her hands.

"Kara, it's me." Lee kneeled down beside her. "I'm here."

"I can't get it to stop, Lee," she whispered. "He won't stop."

"I know. It's okay."

"It's not okay," Kara screamed, finally looking up at him. Her cheeks were stained with tears, and there were a few fresh scraps on her neck. Lee tried not to wince at the blood that had dried there. "It's not okay. I don't think I can do this. I… I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"Figure out why I'm supposed to hold on. There's no reason. He keeps telling me that. There's no reason. But then you keep telling me to fight this, that we'll figure it out. What if I don't want to figure out? What if I just want to die? That way I can be with him. I can apologize for what I did. Everything will be as it should have been. I can apologize."

"It sounds like you've thought this one out," Lee said. He gently placed his hand on one of her knees.

"I have. I would have done it by now except…" Her voice trailed out as her eyes went slightly vacant.

"Except?" Lee prodded.

"Except I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be apologizing to. Because if I kill myself and it's you, then there's no way I can say I'm sorry. I won't be with you anymore. But if it's him, then I finally did something right."

"Sam wouldn't want you to die, Kara."

"I know that. I do," she insisted. "It's just… he wouldn't… the things he said to me... my heart has never broken that hard."

"I'm sorry," Lee whispered.

Kara's eyes searched his face for a moment. "Am I going to keep murdering the people I love?"

Lee's heart broke in two. It finally hit him what was so wrong about this whole thing. Kara reminded him of a little, lost child. She wasn't the Fleet's best viper pilot trying to deal with the death of her husband. She wasn't a woman trying to understand why even if she made this relationship work a little better than the last, it still had to end. She had reverted back to that broken girl she had been so many years ago. "Kara, listen to me. Whatever happened on New Caprica was not your fault."

"You weren't there."

"I didn't have to be."

Kara's head tilted away as she tried to figure out what that meant. For just a second, Lee thought he may have actually gotten somewhere, but then her eyes went wide and she pulled back. He could hear her muttering under her breath. "No no no. This is wrong. This is all wrong. No. No. No."

"Calm down," Lee whispered, sliding his body a few inches towards her. "Tell me what's wrong."

"You're supposed to be dead. You died down there. I can see it in my head. I left you, and when I came back, he had you. He shot you. I held your fraking body in my arms as you took your last breath. You're not real. You can't be real."

"I'm real," Lee insisted. He reached out and grabbed her hand. "Do you feel that, Kara? I'm real."

Kara's face lit up in confusion. "This can't be…"

"It is. Whatever you're seeing in your head is wrong. I'm here, and I don't plan on going anywhere. Now you can either start telling me what is wrong or we can sit on this cold bathroom floor for the rest of the night. Either way, I'm not leaving you."

Kara pulled herself away from Lee and lowered her forehead to rest on her knees. Her hands came up to cradle the pounding inside her head. "I hate it. I hate that I can't just let it go, that I couldn't just let him make me happy. I hate that you won't go away. Things would be easier if you went away. I could think. Maybe the voice would stop. That would make him happy. He always wanted that. He wanted me to say goodbye to you. I fought him for so long and then I didn't, but I did. I never gave it up completely. He hated me for that. He thought he was always having to prove something. Maybe that was what he was trying to tell me. I just want you to go away. Go away!" Kara's mumblings had turned into screaming by the end.

Lee watched her for a moment before standing up. He smiled sadly one last time and stepped out into his private quarters.

Kara stayed hunched over for a few seconds until she realized he had left. Her heart, which had been pounding out of control, stopped dead in its tracks. "No," she whispered. Her hands shook as she grabbed the counter and pulled herself to her feet. "No. No. No."

Lee was standing in the doorway to his office when she came stumbling into the room. Tears were streaming down her face. "Kara."

"Don't leave me. I didn't mean it, Lee. I promise. I…"

Kara collapsed at his feet, sobbing. Lee kneeled down immediately to gather her into his arms. "Kara, stop. You don't have to… just please stop." Kara sniffled and buried her face further into his chest. "I said I wasn't leaving you. I meant it. I just figured I would take the few seconds you gave me by kicking me out of your life to call down to the CIC and tell Dee I was going to be indisposed for quite a while. We're working this out, Kara."

"I'm scared," Kara whispered into him.

"I'm scared to, but it doesn't matter. We have to do this. I'm not going to let those stupid toasters win." Lee held her in silence until he could finally feel her shaking stop. It was only then that he pulled back to wipe the loose hair from her face. She looked so defenseless. "Are you-"

"You never really loved me. I always knew that. I wish I could have been what you needed."

Lee's face lit up in confusion. "Kara?"

"Those were the last words he said to me. I made him feel inadequate. That was my gift to him. He gave me unconditional love, and I gave him inadequacy."

"I don't think so." Kara's eyes flew up to meet his, and Lee smiled. "I saw the way Sam looked at you. You can't love a person as much as he did and feel inadequate. So just stop thinking like that right this minute."

"You don't get it, Lee."

"I get it more than I should, Kara. Trust me." Lee tightened his hold on her body. He didn't know what else to do.

"I hear those words. Every time I shut my eyes, I can see his face. Then it's your face, and I know that it didn't happen that way. You weren't there. I can't get my head to wrap around that, though, and I wake up scared. My mind takes a while to settle and when it does, I know what the dreams are trying to tell me. It's going to be the same. I'm going to do the same thing to you, too, Lee. I'm going to destroy you. I'm going to chip away at you until nothing's left. I can't stop it."

Lee's fingers dug into her skin as he gripped her arms and shook her slightly. It was the only bit of anger he let out, and it served the purpose of stopping the words coming out of her mouth. "Listen to me, Kara. You do not get to make this decision. The Cylons screwed with your head. They wanted you destroyed. Well, they got their wish. You're pretty fraked up right now." Lee took a deep breath. "But it doesn't have to stay that way. You can fight this, Kara. _We_ can fight this. You just have to stop pushing me away and then pulling me back. You need to face the fact that you need me to help you get through this. You can't be the strong, cocky fighter pilot everyone expects you to be if you want to make it out of this one alive. So please, just let me in."

"I don't want to kill you, Lee."

"Seeing you like this _is_ killing me," he insisted. "So if you really mean that, you'll stop focusing on me and start focusing on yourself."

Kara's hand shook as she slid her fingers up along his collarbone. Lee felt his heart drop out when he realized what she was doing. She was feeling for his pulse. Her light touch mingled with his heartbeat for a few precious seconds before her hand dropped back to lay in her lap. Lee felt her take a deep breath. "Can I… can I stay here with you?"

"For as long as you want, Kara."

"Okay."

Lee wished he knew what that meant. He wished he could take that one word and assume it meant the end of this problem. Kara had never been that simple, though. He had to ask. "Okay?"

Her answer came out as barely a whisper. "I don't want to be like this anymore."

Lee waited a moment before scooping her up into his arms and lifting her off the floor. He set her down on the bed and then retreated into the bathroom. He returned with a bowl of warm water and a cloth. Kara held her hands out to him, and he tried to be gentle as he cleaned off the blood. Without a word, he moved to the scratches on her neck and arm.

When he was done, he set the bowl on the floor and pulled back the covers on the bed. Kara slid inside the little cocoon without a word, and Lee only hesitated slightly before joining her. He wrapped his arms around her and held on until her breathing evened out.

He hoped to the gods he was enough for her.


	6. Chapter 6

The phone in Lee's office rang, causing him to jump. He had been far too engrossed in the last of his paperwork. Checking the time, he let out a long sigh before picking up the receiver. "Commander Adama."

"Commander. Captain Thrace is here."

Lee smiled. He had requested her presence a few days earlier, but he hadn't thought it would be this easy to actually get her here. "Tell her I'm coming out."

"Sir?"

"The paperwork can wait, Cally, and I told you a long time ago you can call me Lee."

"Yes, sir."

Lee smiled as he hung up the receiver. He slid his jacket off the back of his chair. It only took him three seconds to make it to the door, and it took Kara less time than that to fling herself in his arms. "Hey, kid," he whispered in her ear. "I missed you."

Kara pulled back to smile at him. "You know I'm busy, Commander. There's a lot to do."

Lee smirked. "How are the negotiations going?"

"I think these people are willing to accept Laura as their leader so we should be making the smooth transition into colonization any day now. But forget that for now. Why'd you call me away from what your father calls the most important job anyone can be given?"

Lee held out his hand. "Take a ride with me?"

Her mouth turned up in a wide smile, and Kara slid her hand into his. Lee nodded at Cally. Judging by her smile, she knew that he was going to be out of his office for the rest of the day.

Kara and Lee walked hand in hand out to the carport without saying a word. Walking over to one of his office transports, he held the door open for her before running around to the other side. By the time he got there, she had leaned across the car to push the driver's side door open for him.

As they drove down roads of stones and dirt, Lee let himself think back on the past five years. It had taken two of those to bring Kara back to the same level she had once been at. There was so much pain and guilt to sort through. The Cylons had fraked with her mind in a way that to this day Lee still had trouble comprehending.

In the end, though, Lee pulled her out of it. He had been telling the truth when he said he wasn't going anywhere, and the second Kara accepted that, she started getting better. Reality became clearer until one day Kara came to terms with how her husband died.

The car hit a particularly nasty bump in the road, and Kara let out a loud laugh. Lee smiled over at her. She had always loved the bumpy rides.

"I still can't believe this is Earth," Kara whispered.

Lee turned to see her staring out the window and smiled. "I can't believe it either."

He wasn't sure what he had been expecting all those years they were searching for first the Lagoon Nebula and then the thirteenth colony, but it wasn't this. Earth was not the advanced civilization of his dreams. Instead, the Fleet had found a planet that knew the consequences of war a little too well.

The planet looked like it was freshly created. The plant life was bordering on out of control, and it took the Fleet days to realize that underneath all the brush were half-torn buildings, hollowed out by years of non-use. Weeks later when they finally encountered life, they found out why.

Long ago, the planet had split into rival societies as a necessity when differences became too much. Eventually humanity turned to war to solve these differences. What occurred was a full nuclear onslaught, a concept Lee wished he was less familiar with. When the smoke cleared, the survivors banded together. They went to the areas least hit and stayed underground for generations. The world rebuilt itself.

The story felt familiar to Lee the second he heard it. He told his father as much, and he let William Adama assume he was talking about the destruction of the Twelve Colonies. He didn't have it in his heart to admit the history of Earth's rebirth was almost identical to Kara's struggle the past five years.

To this day, no one knew how bad it had been. No one knew just how many times he came to losing her.

Kara turned to look at Lee as the car came to a stop in the middle of nowhere. "Where are we?"

Lee only gave her a smile before sliding out the door. He waited at the hood of the car until she joined him. "Do you remember where we were a year ago today?"

A lazy grin grew on Kara's face. "We had just found the survivors on Earth a few weeks earlier. Our lives were in complete chaos, but you still found the time to find me a cake among the last of our supplies."

"Do you remember the promise I made when we figured out the cake was complete crap?"

"You said that next year you would do better."

"Happy birthday, Kara." Lee took Kara's hand and started dragging her up a small dirt path. He knew the moment they reached the top because Kara's hand fell from his. He turned to see it held up to her mouth as she tried desperately to keep herself from crying.

They stood on top of a hill that faced a small house made of glass and wood. Kara's eyes ran over the lines of the deck circling the house before she twisted to see what was in the valley in front of her. This time she couldn't hold the gasp in. The glass house overlooked a large lake that was currently moving with the wind, and Kara felt a familiar chord being struck inside of her. This little piece of Earth was an exact replica of the Caprican hillsides.

"I figured out rather quickly that Earth was going to be everything we ever dreamed of, Kara. I knew it would take more than that to convince you, though."

Kara tore her eyes away from the lakeside to look at him. "What is this?"

"I built you a house."

"This is mine?"

"Happy birthday," Lee reported.

"But how did you… what… wh… a house?"

"You need a home, Kara. The order came through yesterday from my father and the President. We're settling down here permanently. Our fight is over." Lee sighed and looked over the lake. "It's close to where we've set up base so you shouldn't have a problem traveling back and forth. The architect I hired to help build this insisted that it will hold up during the winters so you have nothing to worry about. You can finally let go."

Lee watched Kara take a few steps forward. The breeze from off the lake blew through her hair. It had grown long over the past five years. She turned back to smile at him just as the light from the setting sun caught in her eyes. "Will you stay here with me?" she asked quietly.

Brief flashes of memory ran through Lee's head. Kara sitting on the floor of his bathroom, blood on her hands. Kara laying on his bed, laughing over a mistake on the flight schedule. Kara staring at him, the gun in her hand slowly raising up to her temple. Kara crying. Kara smiling.

Stepping forward, he nodded and took her outstretched hand. "For as long as you want me to."

Kara moved the few steps to settle into his arms. She leaned into the comfort he was offering her and whispered, "The Old Man is just going to love this."

Lee smirked, and slipping his hand into hers, lead her down the path to their new home.


End file.
